


Even If I Tried

by Astronaut_Milky, ChameleonCircuit



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barisi - Freeform, Blow Jobs, Catholic Guilt, Deepthroating, Grinding, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Kinda, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-03 23:59:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14580513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astronaut_Milky/pseuds/Astronaut_Milky, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChameleonCircuit/pseuds/ChameleonCircuit
Summary: When Sonny opened his eyes again Rafael was looking at him, viridian sparkling in the light. He patted the bed beside him, and Sonny walked towards him on unsteady legs.Rafael reached out and took his hand again, sending Sonny’s heart into overdrive. “Relax.”Sonny nodded, taking a seat next to Rafael, still holding his hand. If Rafael was bothered by how sweaty Sonny’s hands had gone he didn’t comment. Instead, he cupped Sonny’s jaw with his other hand, turning his face towards him, their lips inches apart.“Last chance to back out,” he whispered, breath ghosting across Sonny’s lips.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Astronaut_Milky says: I contributed approximately 0.2% of the words in this fic, but I will accept the co-author status if it means being attached to the greatness of ChameleonCircuit's stunning fic
> 
> ChameleonCircuit says: That's a lie, Astronaut_Milky came up with at least 50% of this so like, it literally wouldn't exist without her, she's amazing. I'm proud to have my name alongside hers :)  
> The decade this fic is set in has been made purposely ambiguous, so imagine away.
> 
> We both thank our fabulous beta, tobeconspicuous. 
> 
> Chapter warning: There's homophobic slurs used in this first chapter, once as quoting someone outside of the situation, and once as internalized homophobia. Proceed with caution.

Sonny wasn’t entirely sure how he ended up here about to pledge to a fraternity. He’d had no urge, no desire to belong to a frat in the first place. Yet here he was, staring into dazzling emerald green eyes, stomach twisting and churning while he awaited his fate.

 

“Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.” The chant was loud, deafeningly so. 

 

Sonny wasn’t sure how many people were in the room. The only person he cared about was standing right in front of him. He wasn’t sure what it was about Rafael Barba that drew him in. Maybe it was the way he exuded confidence, always with a cigarette in his mouth, always hanging out with Rita Calhoun, the hottest girl Sonny had ever laid eyes on. Maybe it was simply because of the way Rafael smirked at him, like he didn’t think Sonny was at all worthy of his time but was simply someone to mess with.

 

Whatever it was, whatever had driven him here, he was now standing in front of Rafael, staring at that signature smirk, feeling a hell of a lot less confident than he had when he’d agreed to pledge.

 

“Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.”

 

Rafael took his hand gently, causing an uproar around them. He could hear whooping and over-exaggerated gagging, but it was the touch of Rafael’s hand that caused his heart to leap into his throat and his face to grow hot.

 

As Rafael lead him into one of the dorm rooms, the whooping dying down behind them, Sonny felt nauseous.

 

_ “This is wrong,” _ his mind screamed at him, and he squeezed his eyes shut, letting Rafael guide him.

 

He heard the door click shut behind him and opened his eyes. The room was dark, but Rafael was bathed in the moonlight streaming in through the window. Sonny’s breath caught in his throat. Rafael looked ethereal, like if Sonny reached out and touched there would be nothing to hold onto.

 

“I’m not gay,” he said quickly, swallowing down hard.

 

Rafael laughed, lips quirking upward just a little. “For a bunch of guys who, in their words,  _ wouldn’t go near a fag if you paid them _ , they sure are obsessed with forcing men to kiss each other.”

 

Sonny flushed, his entire body heating up, which only caused Rafael to laugh again.

 

“What I’m saying is it doesn’t matter if you are or not. They’re gonna assume you’re straight, even if they mock you for this. Most of them have kissed each other. On dares, or for their pledge.” Rafael shrugged.

 

“And you?” Sonny asked, voice wavering a little.

 

“We don’t have to kiss,” Rafael said with a shrug, as though that was an answer to Sonny’s question.

 

He sat down on the bed and pulled a cigarette lighter out of his pocket to fiddle with, lighting it then snuffing it out again repeatedly.

 

“We don’t?” Sonny asked, uncertainty bubbling up inside him. 

 

He wondered briefly if this was some kind of joke or a trap. His stomach churned at the thought of the kids he grew up with finding out about this. About him being alone in a room with a boy he was expected to kiss.

 

_ “Faggot,” _ his mind screamed, and he shut his eyes again, leaning back against the door as the world spun around him.

 

“Nah,” Rafael said with a shrug. “I’ll just say we did, then you’re in.”

 

When Sonny opened his eyes again Rafael was looking at him, viridian sparkling in the light. He patted the bed beside him, and Sonny walked towards him on unsteady legs.

 

Rafael reached out and took his hand again, sending Sonny’s heart into overdrive. “Relax.”

 

Sonny nodded, taking a seat next to Rafael, still holding his hand. If Rafael was bothered by how sweaty Sonny’s hands had gone he didn’t comment. Instead, he cupped Sonny’s jaw with his other hand, turning his face towards him, their lips inches apart.

 

“Last chance to back out,” he whispered, breath ghosting across Sonny’s lips.

 

He wasn’t sure who closed the distance, though if anyone had asked he would insist it was Rafael. The moment their lips touched, Sonny felt as though his whole body was on fire.

 

It was the slight stubble that brought him back to reality for a moment. The roughness of Rafael's lips, pressed against his own, wholly unlike the girls of his past.

 

He planted his other hand on Rafael’s side, unsure what else to do as their lips moved together. Thicker, broader... there was nothing feminine or dainty about Rafael. It shouldn't have been so right. The kiss was innocent enough, but Sonny felt alive. He could feel himself growing hard just from this alone.

 

When Rafael captured Sonny’s bottom lip between his teeth, pulling slightly, Sonny couldn’t help but moan, his hand moving up to tangle into Rafael’s hair.

 

When they finally came up for air, both panting, breath mingling in the minute space between them, Sonny found himself longing for more.

 

Rafael ruffled Sonny’s hair before hopping off the bed, devilish smirk on his face as he headed for the door.

 

“Time to party with your fraternity,” Rafael murmured. It was somehow seductive, and his cock twitched with desire, longing to resume what they’d just been doing.

 

He adjusted himself, face flushing once more as he avoided Rafael’s gaze and followed him out of the room.

 

Cheers erupted around them when they left, and before he knew it multiple hands were pulling him away, shoving drinks in his hand, clapping him in the back. He could hear various shouted slurs and congratulations, but all of it felt a little distant.

 

When his eyes found Rafael at the side of the room, he felt everything settle around him again, and he relaxed, taking a swig of the drink in his hand.

 

Sonny accepted every drink he was handed, head spinning and stomach churning as he tried to keep up. But he felt lighter, happier than he expected. He hadn’t expected to fit in, but he’d found common ground with everyone he talked to so far, and no one seemed intent on casting him out or mocking him.

 

It felt as though he and Rafael continued to gravitate towards each other, and every time Rafael would touch Sonny innocuously, on the shoulder, the arm, the thigh, light little brushes that were like electric shocks radiating throughout his entire body. Every time he would look up, lock eyes with those mischievous emerald gems, and be met with a smirk, no different to his usual, yet somehow entirely seductive.

 

He was talking to a guy called James, or maybe John, he wasn’t entirely sure, when he felt eyes on him from across the room. He glanced over, heart thrumming when he saw Rafael leaning against the wall, effortlessly cool, looking at him.

 

Sonny watched as Rafael’s tongue darted out, wetting his lips. Sonny matched the movement, barely registering what James/John was saying to him.

 

“Yeah,” he muttered noncommittally, unable to tear his eyes away from Rafael’s.

 

Rafael took a sip of his beer, lips lingering around the mouth of the bottle before he ran his tongue around the rim, not breaking eye contact once.

 

Sonny’s mouth went dry. It was as though he had tunnel vision. He was hardly aware of anything other than Rafael teasing the beer bottle with his tongue. He shifted in his seat, adjusting himself in his jeans.

 

When Rafael took the bottle between his lips again, slowly taking more and more of the glass in his mouth, eyelids fluttering, never once breaking eye contact. Sonny couldn't stop the breathy little moan that escaped past his lips. He was grateful no one was paying attention to him at that point as he felt his face grow hot, the flush spreading rapidly down his neck.

 

Someone walked in front of him, blocking his vision for a moment, and the world came thundering back to life. When he looked again, Rafael had disappeared. Disappointed was an understatement. The beat from the speakers vibrated through his body as he got up, heading down the hall in search.

 

He felt like he was in a daze, under a trance, compelled to follow Rafael.

 

When he reached the bathroom he felt someone behind him, pushing him inside. Once the door clicked shut, he whipped around. There, so close he could see the flecks of gold amongst green, was Rafael, breath ghosting across Sonny’s face.

 

Sonny barely even had time to think before he had Rafael pinned to the door, grinding down against him. He mouthed at Rafael’s neck, hot and slick as his hands shook, not sure where to place them. It was as his hands came to land on Rafael’s waist that Sonny noticed him shaking. He pulled back, frowning, as he watched Rafael trying not to laugh.

 

A feeling of shame washed over him and he stumbled backwards a little, bile rising in his throat as he felt himself heat up. He tried to mutter out some kind of apology, but the words got stuck in his throat.

 

Sonny would have made a run for it, but Rafael was blocking the door, literally laughing in Sonny’s face. He felt like he could cry in that moment, if only that wouldn’t make it worse.

 

“I’m sorry,” Rafael muttered, stepping towards Sonny, crowding him against the sink. “I’m not laughing at you.”

 

“You kinda are,” Sonny bit out, avoiding Rafael’s gaze.

 

Rafael laughed again before cupping Sonny’s crotch, giving him a firm squeeze as the laughter died on his tongue. “Doesn’t mean I don’t find you sexy,” he growled, running his lips gently along Sonny’s jawline.

 

Sonny breathed out, a small whine escaping from the back of his throat as Rafael removed his hand to grind down against him before kissing him roughly, gripping his jaw tightly. Sonny couldn’t help but grind back, head spinning as he felt himself growing impossibly hard.

 

“Please,” he panted, shuddering as Rafael’s hand brushed against his stomach, reaching for his belt.

 

He gripped Rafael’s shoulders hard enough to bruise as his belt was undone. Rafael flicked the button open before slowly, delicately teasing the zipper down. He felt every inch of it as it dragged along his cock, Rafael’s fingers brushing the material of his underwear lightly as he went. 

 

He dropped his head to Rafael’s shoulder as the senior palmed him through his underwear, breathless and panting against Rafael’s neck. He could feel the pressure building the moment Rafael’s hands dipped beneath his underwear. All it took was a single swipe of Rafael’s thumb over the head of his cock and he was sent over the edge, shuddering with a silent moan. He sagged against the older boy, legs turning to jelly as his orgasm subsided.

 

Sonny pressed his face into Rafael’s neck, an embarrassed little groan escaping his lips. He couldn’t believe that he’d hooked up with the coolest guy on campus and he’d came in his pants before they’d barely begun.

 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, lips brushing against exposed skin as he squeezed his eyes shut.

 

“It’s okay,” Rafael murmured into his hair, voice husky as he zipped Sonny’s pants back up for him. “‘S kinda hot, you getting so worked up over me.”

 

Sonny breathed out a shaky sigh before pushing back off of Rafael to do his belt back up. He turned to look at himself in the mirror, purposely avoiding Rafael’s gaze through the glass. He looked absolutely wrecked. He was sure he would be blushing if he wasn’t already so flushed.

 

Shame and guilt were the overriding factors as he looked at his flushed face, his swollen lips, his tousled hair. The thought that God could see him like this, judge him like this, made him feel sick. He should have never given into temptation, should have ran from the first sign of it.

 

Without looking at Rafael again, Sonny pushed past him, flinging the door open as he made a break for the backyard. Once the cool fresh air hit his face, fear and self-loathing washed over him in waves.

 

He stumbled forward, barely making it to the bushes before he emptied the contents of his stomach. His eyes stung with unshed tears as he picked himself up off the ground and carried himself back inside, avoiding everyone’s eyes until he was safely locked in his bedroom.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, we thank our wonderful beta, tobeconspicuous.
> 
> This chapter is more explicit than the last and does very little in the way of actual plot.

Sonny had successfully avoided Rafael for an entire month. Even though they shared a frat house, he’d managed to not run into him once, mainly by keeping himself locked in his room when he wasn’t in class. Despite that, he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t dreamed about emerald green eyes and a voice deep with arousal.

 

He was terrified of Rafael, of the magnetic pull that seemed to be between them. He wanted to know what he smelt like, felt like,  _ tasted like _ . He imagined Rafael’s hand on his cock as he jerked himself off in the shower, imagined vibrant eyes, pupils blown wide, imagined bright pink lips and panted breath.  After the high had faded Sonny always felt guilty. He would scrub himself raw until the water turned to ice. He knew it was a sin, knew it was wrong.

 

He always gave in. Every single time.

 

Still, he couldn’t stop the nervous feeling bubbling up inside of him as he stepped out of his bedroom toward the beat from the speakers downstairs. There was no way Rafael wouldn’t be here. A part of him wanted to pretend it had never happened, but another part of him, a part he refused to acknowledge, was desperate for the chance of a repeat.

 

The drinks flowed hard and fast, and Sonny lost count of how many he’d had amongst rounds of beer pong and mixed drinks. He could feel eyes on him. He knew Rafael was watching him from across the room, but he pointedly ignored it, pointedly kept drinking more, until his head was spinning and his limbs felt heavy in the best way possible.

 

As soon as he stepped out of the bathroom he was instantly backed up against a wall, hot breath ghosting across his neck. He felt himself shudder as Rafael pressed himself up against Sonny’s thigh, already half hard. Just the smallest part of him had been hoping, praying, that Rafael would have followed him, and now his wish had come true.

 

Sonny swallowed, body thrumming with anticipation as Rafael took a small step back. He instantly missed the warmth, the pressure. He could almost smell Rafael’s arousal as he took in the sight of him, face flushed, the green of his eyes almost entirely drowned out by the black of his pupils.

 

Rafael reached out, gently running his thumb across Sonny’s lip, causing goosebumps to rise on his skin. “Is this okay?”

 

Sonny nodded, at a loss for words, before he slowly leaned in to brush their lips together. Rafael growled, an almost feral sound tearing its way from his chest before he kissed Sonny roughly, grinding down on him as he took his bottom lip between his teeth.

 

Rafael guided him, never once breaking contact, until Sonny’s back collided with a doorknob, digging into his ribcage. He barely noticed though, as Rafael fumbled behind him, pushing the door open before shoving Sonny through it. The moment the door was shut again his lips were on Sonny’s, hungry, desperate and needy as their hips jutted out of sync, grinding together.

 

Sonny let his head fall to Rafael’s shoulder when his back hit the wall again, taking a deep breath as he reached between them, awkwardly fumbling with Rafael’s belt. He couldn’t stop his hands shaking, and the more he struggled with the belt the more embarrassed he became. Rafael reached down, taking hold of his hands before pressing a kiss to each of his palms. Sonny lifted his head, face burning with the shame of his inexperience, though he couldn’t break from Rafael’s gaze if he tried.

 

Rafael reached up, brushing Sonny’s cheek lightly before his fingers trailed across Sonny’s lips, down his neck, along his collarbone. He dropped to his knees, dragging his hand down Sonny’s chest before undoing his belt and pulling his pants and briefs down in one swift movement.

 

His eyes went wide as he took in the sight of Sonny’s cock, already leaking, desperate and red. Rafael licked his lips, tongue just shy of his cock as he looked up at Sonny through his lashes, eyes questioning.

 

Sonny swallowed, eyes wide as he nodded, fingers running into Rafael’s hair seemingly of their own accord. He barely had time to consider what was about to happen before Rafael’s tongue darted out, swiping across the tip of Sonny’s cock. His hips bucked forward before he could stop it, seeking more, but Rafael was ready, hands firm as he pushed Sonny’s ass back against the wall, fingertips digging into flesh.

 

Rafael ran his tongue from the base right to the tip, the movement agonizingly slow, eyes never once leaving Sonny’s. He could feel his thighs tensing, trembling, and he wondered if he’d even be able to hold himself up if this lasted much longer. Then Rafael’s lips quirked into his signature smirk, eyes dark as he moved his focus to Sonny’s cock. 

 

Sonny jutted forward as Rafael took him in his mouth, breath growing ragged as he sucked and teased like he’d done this a million times. It struck Sonny then that he probably had done this before, plenty of times, but as soon as the jealousy had begun to creep up from his stomach, his arousal doused out the flames, an embarrassingly needy whine squeezing past his throat as Rafael took more and more of his length.

 

The rough drag of stubble against his groin brought him back to reality for a moment.  _ "This is disgusting," _ his mind screamed. _ "You're disgusting."  _

 

His heart stuttered as Rafael shifted slightly. He knew he should stop this, knew he shouldn't be here, but his heart clung to Rafael, and his body couldn't get past the feel of Rafael's mouth around him.

 

He could feel Rafael’s throat, hot and tight around his tip, could feel his nose brushing his pubic hair, as Rafael took a moment to enjoy the sensation. He looked a picture of debauchery, eyelids fluttering, chin slick with saliva and pre-come. Sonny felt as though he ought to be ashamed of how they must look together, that shouldn’t he be so turned on by the sight of Rafael deep-throating his cock, but he’d never felt more aroused in his life. It took every ounce of strength Sonny had not to buck into Rafael’s mouth, into his throat, into the wet warmth that was driving him mad. His head was spinning and he felt like he was on fire.

 

“God.” He moaned as Rafael slowly moved his head back, cock springing free from his mouth with a filthy pop.

 

Just as he felt as though he might be able to think straight, Rafael started working him in earnest, and Sonny's brain short-circuited. All he was aware of was the slick of Rafael’s tongue, the heat of his mouth, the pressure of his fingers digging into his hips, bruising.

 

Sonny threaded his fingers back into Rafael’s hair, desperate for something to hold onto. He didn’t mean to, didn’t make a conscious decision, but he tugged at Rafael’s hair. He barely had time to register the moan it drew from Rafael. He felt it vibrate through him, could feel his muscles tensing as the heat in his stomach grew.

 

“I’m gonna...gonna...I’m…” he stuttered, tugging harder on Rafael’s hair, trying to pull his head back.

 

Rafael didn’t move, didn’t even flinch as Sonny came into his mouth, down his throat, coating his lips and chin. He swallowed every last drop he could manage, his eyes locked onto Sonny's, willing Sonny to see it all. Rafael released his hold on his hips as Sonny’s legs gave out, guiding him to the ground with shaking arms.

 

Sonny hadn’t realized he’d closed his eyes until he opened them again. The sight of Rafael, pupils blown wide, face flushed, hair a mess, with come dripping from his chin was almost enough to make him hard again.

 

He closed his eyes again, letting his head fall back against the wall as he tried to get his breathing under control. He felt a hand brush his cheek, and when he opened his eyes again Rafael was gone, and Sonny was left sitting on someone else’s bedroom floor, sweaty and slick with his pants around his ankles.

 

A feeling of shame welled up inside him as he pulled his pants up. His head spun as he stood on shaking legs, and he felt a wave of nausea roll through him.

 

As he collapsed on his own bed he felt tears spring to his eyes, though this time not entirely from shame. This time he was filled with regret, too. Regret that he hadn’t been able to return the favor, regret that he hadn’t considered Rafael, regret that he didn’t get to see what he looked like as he came undone.

 

Shame and guilt rolled through him in waves, telling him that what he was feeling was wrong, that he shouldn’t want Rafael, shouldn’t like him like that, shouldn’t crave the heat of his mouth or the taste of his lips.

 

But it was the regret that won out as he fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot more mentions of religion in this chapter.
> 
> Thanks again to our beautiful beta, tobeconspicuous.

Over the course of the following weeks, Sonny became certain it was Rafael avoiding him, now. He barely saw him, and when he did Rafael didn’t even acknowledge he was there. He knew it was only fair, knew he’d done the same thing last time, but he couldn’t help the sinking feeling in his stomach every time Rafael disappeared the moment Sonny locked eyes on him.

 

He was walking across campus, head down, not really paying attention when he bumped into someone. He reached out, grabbing hold of the shoulders under a mop of brown hair, steadying them.

 

“Watch where you’re going,” the boy muttered, pulling out of Sonny’s grip.

 

Sonny froze. He’d know that voice anywhere, had imagined it countless times over the past few weeks. “Sorry.”

 

It was Rafael’s turn to freeze before his head snapped up, a smirk playing on his lips. Sonny felt himself go red, coming face to face with the man he’d been thinking about for what felt like a lifetime.

 

“Um...I...um…” Sonny stuttered out, rubbing the back of his neck.

 

He was sure he saw a hint of devilish glee in Rafael’s expression as he put a hand on his hip, jutting it out just a little. Sonny couldn’t help himself. His eyes tracked the motion before raking up and down Rafael’s body, taking him in as though it was the first time.

 

When he caught the pleased, seductive look Rafael was giving him, he felt himself grow hot. “Would you like to grab coffee?”

 

He hadn’t meant to blurt it out, hadn’t even considered the words before they were out of his mouth. A voice in the back of his head was telling him to run from this, that this would lead him further into sin, further into temptation, away from God, from solace. But the thought of coffee with Rafael made him smile. The thought of coffee with Rafael made everything feel right, for just a moment.

 

But then Rafael’s expression went blank, all traces of amusement gone, and Sonny felt his stomach drop. “Coffee?”

 

“Yeah,” Sonny breathed out.

 

“You want to get coffee?” Rafael raised an eyebrow.

 

Sonny rubbed the back of his neck before he caught himself and tried to make himself look more cool and calm.

 

“With me?” Rafael asked, lip quirking upwards again.

 

Sonny nodded. It was too late to back out now. He felt as though Rafael was laughing at him, but then he figured Rafael was probably always laughing at him, so he didn’t have much to lose.

 

Rafael’s smile grew wicked, eyes growing darker. “You know you can just ask me to suck you off, right?”

 

“What?” Sonny balked, eyes growing wide. “No. I...I mean...I’d...like to return the favor?”

 

He could tell how much Rafael was enjoying making him squirm, could tell he was purposely riling Sonny up, but that didn’t quell his unease or cool the heat from his face. In fact, somehow, it turned him on a little, which made the situation ten times worse.

 

“By buying me coffee?” Rafael sneered, folding his arms across his chest.

 

“To start,” Sonny mumbled before dropping his gaze. He took a small step back. There was an uncomfortable pause as he kept his eyes on the ground, refusing to let Rafael tease him any further. “This was a bad idea. I’ll just--”

 

Rafael took hold of his chin, forcing him to look up. When he met Rafael’s gaze, his eyes were sparkling, far softer than before. “I’d love to get coffee with you.”

 

Sonny couldn’t help himself. He felt his face stretch into a grin. “Now?”

 

“If you want,” Rafael laughed, shaking his head a little.

 

“Excellent,” Sonny breathed out, still grinning at Rafael. 

 

His heart fluttered when Rafael returned his grin, a little shy. He was sure this was the first time he had ever seen Rafael look less than 100% confident. He felt a sense of pride well up inside him at the thought that he’d made Rafael shy. He’d made Rafael smile, properly, with no hint of malice or superiority.

 

Every time Rafael’s hand brushed his as they walked, Sonny’s heart would flutter. He could feel the roughness of Rafael’s hands, could feel how much bigger they were to a woman's. He felt a brief flash of doubt, of fear, but he quashed it down, not wanting to ruin the moment. This moment. Their moment.

 

As their hands brushed once more, his fingers tingled, itching to reach out, to take hold. But it was Rafael who made the move first, who looped their pinky fingers together, an innocent gesture considering what they’d already done together. The touch was like an electric shot, a warmth spreading from the point of contact throughout his entire body as gooseflesh raised on his skin.

 

Sonny turned, swinging their hands between them. Rafael was smiling softly, sweetly. It was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. 

 

Just as he was about to ask where he actually wanted to go, Sonny spotted two familiar faces, boys from his class, watching them from across the courtyard.

 

He felt his heart stutter in his chest, his stomach swooping as an overwhelming sense of panic filled him up, making it hard to breathe. For a moment, all he could hear was the rush of blood going past his ears, feel the rapid rise and fall of his chest, before the reality of what he was doing hit him.

 

He pulled his hand away instantly, heart bashing against his ribcage. He swallowed hard, tearing his eyes away from the boys and back to Rafael. 

 

Rafael, who suddenly looked so concerned, so soft, as he reached for Sonny’s hand again. “You okay?”

 

“Fine,” Sonny choked out, shoving his hands in his pockets, out of reach.

 

Rafael frowned, glancing over his shoulder to where Sonny’s classmates were still sitting. “Right…”

 

“Yeah, look,” Sonny muttered, looking anywhere but Rafael. “Rain check, yeah?”

 

“Sonny, if--”

 

“I gotta go.”

 

Without waiting for a response, Sonny turned on his heel, walking as fast as he could back to their house, heart pounding, blood rushing past his ears.

 

He’d been stupid to even consider dating Rafael. He’d been stupid to let it go so far. He should never have fallen for the devil’s temptation. Now he’d been seen, now people would talk -- it was going to be high school all over again.

 

\--

 

Sonny had spent the past two days agonizing over what those boys would say, over what they’d seen, over how he could explain it away as nothing. His thoughts always returned to his church, to his priest, to what he would have to say about Sonny’s continuous pursual of temptation. His biggest fear, above all else, was his parents finding out. He could picture the way his mother would cry and his father’s mouth would pull into a thin line of disapproval before he turned away. 

 

His mother would pray for him and his father would never forgive him, and the thought of it made him feel sick with worry. He kept reminding himself it should be God he feared, God he wanted to make happy, God he should be apologizing to. He knew he should be seeking God’s guidance, God’s wisdom, God’s love, but all he could do was worry about what the people in his life, the people he had to face on a regular basis, thought about him. That alone was grounds for guilt.

 

He convinced himself all he had to do was avoid temptation, which meant avoiding Rafael. By now, he and Rafael had become experts at avoiding each other, and while he could feel Rafael’s eyes on him every time they were in a room together, seeking him out, silently pleading with him, he found he was surprisingly able to ignore it.

 

What he couldn’t ignore was the ache in his chest or the heavy weight of guilt in his stomach.

 

What he could do, however, was drown it out with alcohol, loud music, and video games. So drown he did. He’d lost count of how many beers he’d had, and as their house filled up once more, he felt like maybe he could put everything behind him. No one was talking, no one had mentioned anything to him. Maybe it didn’t actually matter after all.

 

He could hear the shouting, hear the whooping and the catcalling, but when he stepped out the back door he hadn’t expected to find Rafael shirtless and dripping wet, wide, manic grin on his face as he grabbed hold of the hose, covering everyone in its spray.

 

Sonny shrieked in surprise. He didn’t mean to. But then Rafael froze, eyes locked on his, and Sonny could feel that all too familiar magnetic pull drawing him in, pulling him closer and closer. But Rafael looked away, dropping the hose before he headed back inside, barely glancing at Sonny as he passed him.

 

Sonny turned, following Rafael inside. He grabbed a hold of the older boy's arm, halting him in his steps. Rafael turned, panting just a little, expression unreadable. Sonny’s eyes caught on a drop of water as it fell from Rafael’s hair and landed on his chest, trailing a perfect, wet line down Rafael’s torso to his pants.

 

In a bold, alcohol-induced move, Sonny hooked his finger in Rafael’s belt loop, pulling him in close so their chests were flush against each other.

 

“Someone might see,” Rafael hissed in Sonny’s ear.

 

Sonny brushed his thumb across Rafael’s stomach, relishing in the flex of muscles he could feel at the contact. “Let’s go somewhere more private then.”

 

Rafael pulled back a little, eyes darting across Sonny’s face. Whatever he was looking for, he must have found his answer. He sighed, eyes looking so sad for a split second before he turned and headed up the stairs, motioning for Sonny to follow.

 

He glanced over his shoulder once they were out of sight of the other guests before pausing outside Sonny’s bedroom door. Sonny nodded, reaching for the handle.

 

Away from the noise downstairs, Sonny felt less confident and more drunk. He had Rafael Barba in his bedroom and he was at a loss for what to do. But he’d come this far, he’d initiated this, he couldn’t back out now. He didn’t want to back out now.

 

He pressed a hot, sloppy kiss to Rafael’s lips, gripping the back of his head tight as he licked and sucked his way into the older boy’s mouth. He could taste cheap beer and a hint of cinnamon, and he felt high on the taste. When they broke apart, panting, Sonny pressed their foreheads together, allowing himself a moment to breathe Rafael in.

 

Rafael’s hands fluttered along the hem of his shirt before tugging at the material, moving back so he could lift it over Sonny’s head and discard it across the room. His fingers ghosted across Sonny’s torso, bronze against pale white, before both his hands settled on Sonny’s hips and he moved in for another kiss, thumbs brushing across the bare skin.

 

He pulled Rafael over to his bed, kissing him the entire way until the back of his legs hit the mattress and they both lost their balance, Rafael falling on top of him.

 

“You’re sure?” Rafael whispered, lips brushing across Sonny’s.

 

Sonny nodded, grabbing hold of Rafael’s hips to drag him down, arching his own up to grind against him. The breathy laugh that slipped past Rafael’s lips was intoxicating. Once again he was reminded of how perfect this felt, how right it felt, despite everything he knew about people like this, people like  _ him _ .

 

How could something so beautiful, so incredible, be wrong?

 

He could feel a sense of panic welling up inside him, telling him to stop before he went too far, telling him he was still redeemable if he stopped, if he repented. But then Rafael’s lips crushed against his, and the musky smell of sweat mixed with alcohol hit his nose, and he couldn’t have left even if he’d wanted to.

 

He let Rafael take control, always let Rafael take control. It was easier that way, somehow, to pretend he was merely a puppet, not a player. He spent so much time imagining what he would to do the man, but once he had him there, in the flesh, his mind went blank and he felt every bit as awkward and inexperienced as he was.

 

He let Rafael unzip his pants and push them down, along with his briefs. When Rafael took him in his hand he bucked up unintentionally, thrusting into Rafael’s hand like it was the most natural thing in the world. He couldn’t help but smile as the older boy grinned at him.

 

Rafael moved to a sitting position, shimmying his pants down his legs. He began stroking himself firmly, maintaining eye contact the entire time. Sonny’s mouth went dry as he watched Rafael work himself up, a flush spreading from his chest up to his neck. He reached outward, hand joining Rafael’s as he moved, his other hand taking a hold of himself, pumping in time with Rafael.

 

Rafael took Sonny’s hand in his, linking their fingers as he leaned back down, pressing a rough kiss to Sonny’s lips before he ground down against Sonny. The slide of their cocks together sent a jolt through Sonny and he arched up, softly moaning, desperate for more contact.

 

“Shh,” Rafael whispered, breath ghosting across Sonny’s lips. “Patience.”

 

Sonny nodded, swallowing hard as Rafael reached between them, taking both of their lengths in his hand, stroking agonizingly slow before rubbing his thumb across both their heads. Sonny whimpered, embarrassingly small and high-pitched, and he felt Rafael laugh, the friction from his shaking alone making his cock strain.

 

“You’re cute when you’re desperate,” Rafael muttered, voice gravelly and deep as he quickened his pace.

 

Sonny groaned, eyes fluttering shut as he reached down between them, matching Rafael’s pace with his own hand.

 

He could feel Rafael’s breath hot on his skin, small droplets of water flicking from Rafael’s hair onto his face, the wet slide of their hands across both of their lengths. He could hear the breathy moans coming from Rafael’s mouth, growing louder and more desperate the closer he came.

 

He could feel his orgasm building in the pit of his stomach, his muscles tensing, and it all felt too much. He felt too hot, too aroused, too drunk, and a sense of guilt was clawing its way up from the depths of his stomach, like bile hitting the back of his throat.

 

When he came he saw stars, the entire world blacking out for just a split second before bursting back to life in high definition. He shuddered and thrust through his orgasm, riding it out as Rafael pumped harder and faster, the arm holding him up above Sonny giving way as he came, white streaks painting Sonny’s chest.

 

His heart ached with the desire to pull Rafael against his side, to kiss him gently, to hold him. But the feel of their come slowly drying on his chest, the heat of Rafael’s body beside him, the ragged sounds of Rafael’s breath, made him feel sick.

 

He felt the tears well up in his eyes before he could stop them, and a pitiful sob wrenched its way from his lungs. His whole body shuddered as he breathed out, and he took a deep breath in and held it, trying to calm himself down.

 

Rafael lifted himself up to look at Sonny, concern etched into his features. “Sonny?”

 

“Go away,” Sonny muttered, squeezing his eyes shut as hot tears spilled into his hair.

 

He could feel the hesitation radiating off Rafael in waves. A part of him wanted to reach out, tell him it was okay, tell him everything was fine, kiss him until he believed it. But a bigger part of him, the part that had felt drunk moments ago and now felt startlingly sober, was reminding him how wrong this was, how he should never have gotten himself into this position, that he was absolutely going to hell for repeatedly giving into temptation.

 

It wasn’t just temptation. It was desire, it was lust, it may even have been love if he dared to consider it for more than a brief moment.

 

Rafael’s hand threaded through his hair gently, and Sonny felt his own breath stutter at the touch. “Sonny, I--”

 

“Leave,” Sonny hissed, turning his head to the side as he clutched at his pillow.

 

Rafael’s hand hovered for just a moment, fingers brushing across Sonny’s shoulder. He gasped, his body shuddering with each sob, with each attempt to calm his breathing down.

 

“What’s wrong?” Rafael whispered, voice dripping with sadness.

 

Sonny shook his head, a surge of rage coursing through his veins. “Just...fuck off! Get the fuck out!”

 

He opened his eyes, sitting up to give Rafael a shove. He couldn’t see anything past the blur of tears, even as they slipped, hot and heavy, down his cheeks.

 

“Go!” Sonny screamed, giving Rafael another push even after he’d stood up from the bed and pulled his pants up.

 

It was his fault. It was Rafael's fault that Sonny had this guilt, this pain. It was Rafael's fault that Sonny was so broken.

 

It was all Rafael.

 

When the door clicked shut, Sonny allowed himself to fall back to the bed, body heaving. His lungs burned as he gasped for air, sobbing harshly into the unforgiving sheets.

 

_ “To be forgiven you must truly repent.” _


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POV shift to Rafael in this chapter. We felt it made more sense this way.
> 
> Huge final thanks to our beta, tobeconspicuous. And to you, our lovely readers, for coming on this journey with us!

At first, when it had only been a couple of days, Rafael assumed Sonny was avoiding him again. It felt like an exhausting game they played; flirt, fuck, avoid, repeat. At first it had been kind of nice, he’d thought Sonny was just nervous, embarrassed, confused, a combination of all three. But the last time confirmed his suspicion that a part of Sonny hated himself for this, hated what he and Rafael did together. 

 

That hurt more than he had expected.

 

Every time he closed his eyes it was Sonny’s face he saw, tears streaming down his face, looking so broken by who and what he was.

 

When days turned into weeks, he began to grow worried. 

 

When weeks turned into months he finally asked someone from their fraternity, someone he’d seen Sonny playing video games with.

 

“Oh, he left,” the boy said with a shrug, like it meant nothing.

 

To Rafael, somehow it meant everything. He felt his heart drop to his stomach, a sense of guilt that had been building since that night filling him up.

 

He tried so hard to push away the thought of sparkling, kind blue eyes, plush, pink lips, and that mop of dirty blond hair, but no matter how hard he tried, Sonny Carisi was always there, always on his mind.

 

It was two days before his graduation when one of his fraternity brothers told him there was someone at the door for him, knowing smirk on his face.

 

Rafael made his way downstairs and froze at the sight of that mop of blond hair he’d been dreaming about for months. Sonny had his head down, drumming his fingers nervously against the brickwork, and Rafael’s heart twisted and his stomach swooped, and he had to force himself to walk forward.

 

“Can I help you?” He asked cooly, leaning against the doorframe like his heart wasn’t going a mile a minute.

 

“Oh,” Sonny breathed out, lifting his head with a nervous smile. “I, erm...I wanted to take you out for coffee?”

 

Rafael could almost feel Sonny’s uncertainty, or maybe it was his own, pulsing through his veins. Everything at him was screaming no, to slam the door in Sonny’s face, to be done with all of this, but another, bigger part of him wanted so badly to say yes.

 

“Why?” He asked, eyes narrowing a little as he folded his arms across his chest, examining his fingernails. “So you can run away again?”

 

Rafael breathed out, slow and steady, maintaining his calm, but when he looked up Sonny looked ashamed. Not the type of shame he always wore post-orgasm, when he looked like he might be sick. This was a bashful, shy kind of shame, and without his permission, he felt his lips quirking upward, just a little.

 

“That’s fair,” Sonny acknowledged with a dip of his head. “But I wanted to make it up to you.”

 

“Don’t hide behind a euphemism,” Rafael bit out, remembering how this conversation had gone last time.

 

Confusion flashed across Sonny’s face before he turned bright red, ducking his head. “Dinner. Let me take you for dinner.”

 

Rafael raised an eyebrow. “Dinner?”

 

Sonny nodded, lifting his gaze to Rafael’s once more. He looked hesitant but strangely confident, so different to how he had been before. Rafael wondered what changed, what had brought him back here like this.

 

“Yeah, dinner,” Sonny said with a small smile. “Sober. No sex. Just dinner, and a conversation.”

 

“And you think you can handle that?”

 

“I--”

 

“I’m not dating some closeted freshman just because I love the taste of his cock,” Rafael snapped.

 

Sonny gaped at him, hurt flashing across his beautiful eyes, and it felt like a punch to the gut. He hadn’t meant to say that, hadn’t meant to be so blunt, but hurt always won out, in the end.

 

“I’m sorry,” Sonny said quietly. “I couldn’t handle...I’m Catholic. It’s ingrained. I thought...I knew I liked you, and I thought I could handle that. Until I couldn’t.”

 

Rafael stood upright, moving to close the door. He’d heard enough. He wouldn’t do this again.

 

“And I’m so, so sorry,” Sonny continued, a sense of urgency in his voice as he reached out to grab Rafael’s arm. “I know those words don’t really mean much, but I am.” 

 

Sonny breathed out a shaky breath, grip still tight on Rafael’s arm. “I went back home, to try and change, to try and resist this...this pull between us. But you’re always there. And I was so scared. I was in a really bad place, but my priest…he told me it was okay, that he didn’t believe God could hate any of his children for being true to themselves.” 

 

Sonny took a deep breath in and Rafael could feel the nerves radiating off him in waves. “He told me God wouldn’t want me to hate myself so much for something so out of my control. And once I finally started to believe him, all I wanted…Christ, I was so awful to you.”

 

Rafael nodded, not trusting his voice.

 

Slowly, Sonny let go of his arm and took a step backward, a sad smile on his face. “I wanna give this another go. A proper go.” His eyes darted across Rafael’s face, searching for something before the smile slipped from his face completely. “I understand if that’s not what you want.”

 

He felt his heart stop for just a moment as Sonny turned to leave. Without thinking he reached forward, grabbing Sonny by the wrist. 

 

“One chance. You have one chance,” he said quietly, offering Sonny a small smile. “The minute you run away, the minute you try and hide from me, I’m done.”

 

“Of course,” Sonny breathed out, stepping back towards Rafael, a little closer than before. “Is this a...date then?”

 

“I dunno, you’re the one asking.”

 

Rafael felt a warmth blossom in his chest as a dusting of pink covered Sonny’s cheeks, bringing out the blue in his eyes.

 

“I was worried it was just about sex for you,” Sonny admitted, dropping his gaze to where their hands were now linked.

 

“Who said it isn’t?” Rafael asked, thumb brushing along the inside of Sonny’s wrist.

 

Sonny shrugged, lifting his eyes to Rafael’s again, a hint of a smirk on his face. “You kinda just did.”

 

Rafael felt his smile grow impossibly large, a fondness filling him up.

 

“Shut up, or I might change my mind.”


End file.
